A Letter I wrote to my pastor in 2009
Im Sorry That.....
My wife had breast cancer
That you will not read all of this
That for two and a half years she has had 15 or more surgeries (we lost count)
That the surgeons carved her up like a piece of meat
That she almost died from MRSA (Methicillin-resistant Staphylococcus aureus)
That most people don’t know what MRSA is (you don’t want to get it)
That when you tell people about the cancer they tell you ITS ONLY BREAST CANCER
Most people get tired of hearing you talk about it
People get tired of hearing you PRAY about it
People tell me I need to get on with my life
My Pastor said that I need to go see a counselor
I wanted to hit him
I had to stand there and watch her suffer through all of this (I would do it for her if I could)
That I could not stop crying on that day when I found out that Claire had Cancer
That I broke down at the church service at Sibley Hospital
That I’m crying now as I type
My kids had go through all of this
That Neulasta cost $4000.00 a shot (she needed 6)
Just because she looks good doesn’t mean that she not going to die of the cancer
Im Sorry That.....
That she had to go through kemo
That she lost her hair
That she lost both of her breasts
That the doctors induced menopause (with some very nasty meds.)
That her hands swell up from the Lymphedema
That we lost our business (The TownMouse Cafe)
That I get mad when I need to ask for help
That People think you dont need help
That I get mad when I tell people she is having another surgery and I can tell that they really don’t care
That I get mad when I feel that people trivialize how sick Claire was
That I’m mad at God
That I got Mad when Pastor Todd didn’t come to the hospital when Claire had her last surgery (it only lasted 81/2 hours)
That I’m mad at Phil for acting like a jackass
That I only care about my self
That I have compassion for people who suffer
That I’m a sensitive person
I get mad
That people only care about them selves
That people walk all over other people to get to the top of the ladder (even in church)
That I’m selfish
That I’m rude
That I’m in other people’s way
That I don’t perform like you want me to do
That I only have a high school education
That I don’t like sports
That I don’t like jumping up and down acting like an ass in church
Im Sorry That.....
That my family is the most important thing in my life right now
That I feel like I have nothing to offer to the church
That life sucks
That people don’t want to hear how life sucks
That I had to smile at The Town Mouse when Claire had cancer
That I had to laugh with the customers at the Town Mouse when Claire had cancer
That I don’t smile
That I am going to smile when I am ready to smile
That I don’t laugh all the time
But I will laugh when I am ready to...
That I can’t get over it
That I can’t get over it
That I can’t get over it
That I can’t get over it
That I can’t get over it
That I can’t get over it
That I can’t get over it
That I get mad when people ask me “Why does she need a BOOB JOB for?
That I look at other women’s BOOBS (you kind of miss things that are taken from you)
That I wrote the line above
That in two months the tumor went from 4 centimeters to 14 centimeters (stage 2 to stage 3 - stage 4)
That the cancer was in 12 out of 14 lymph nodes
That by the book Claire has only 10 more years to live
That I was scared TERROR is the right word
That I need people
That I need to be alone
That I need time with my wife
That I’m not interested in starting a church building (a building is not the church; the people are the church)
That I am focused on my self
That I’m self centered
That I can’t work out my problems
That you have to deal with this crap
That we all can’t jump up and down laugh, dance and sing all the time in till we get to heaven
That there are other people going though worst things then this
That people are afraid of me
That I hurt your feelings
Im Real Sorry .....
